Wednesday, October 27, 2010

wedding on pause

So last week was a freak-out week.  Which I'm not proud of.  But there it is.  For those of you who are still reading after all that mess, thanks.  I appreciate the notes and input.

I spent so many weeks trying not to freak out and to stay calm and keep it together that I think it really built up.  And yeah, there are issues.  And I think that H and I should see somebody but that's not really an option when I don't know how I'm going to come up with the money to pay the water bill and there are already old doctor bills and parking tickets and credit card bills piled up.  I just keep reminding myself that if I can get a full time job, a lot of these problems will be solved quickly.

In wedding news, my mother called me Sunday morning with a venue she wants me to check out.  It sounds great but I really don't see the point in looking right now.  It feels like just picking at an infected wound to even think about planning right now.  Even if it is a reasonably priced venue, even reasonable is out of my budget (which is currently $0) and I don't know why my mother would even bring it up when she has so many qualms about paying.  I don't want to look at something that I know I can't have.

So I haven't called.

I'm supposed to back to FL to get my dress.  But I don't have the money for gas to get there let alone the $125 or so that I need to pay for veil and alterations.

All the money issues in mind plus, there is just nothing else to say about this whole wedding thing right now.  There's no moving forward right now.  Not even in superficial ways.

I guess I just always thought my life would be better by this age.  I'd be getting less broke, more focused, successful, etc.  This sudden backward mudslide is really fucking with me.

Monday, October 18, 2010

anybody know a therapist?

I can't even make a turkey sandwich without losing my shit today.  Sobbing like a frickin' lunatic over a jar of mayo.

I'm officially unfollowing all the wedding porn sites.  No more dresses, flowers, inspiration, blah blah blah.  Nothing with tons of pictures of cool weddings that I'm not going to have.  I'm not even trying to plan a wedding so why pretend that reading those blogs is doing anything other than making me angry and depressed at a time when I've got a lot of important things to be angry and depressed about.

What's worse is that I think I'm actually beginning to agree with my mother.  That we're not really engaged.  No ring, not real.  I'd be crazy to plan a wedding.  We're a damn mess anyways, constantly fighting and snarking and flipping out because I don't have a job and I keep getting rejected and holy shit how are am I supposed to pay all these bills and why am I still home everyday with nothing to show for it?  I can't believe that I'm being that girl.  I can't believe that I let this turn so bad.

H and I were joking the other day that our engagement doesn't really count.  That we should have a do-over.  Except that I don't think either of us was really joking.  I think our engagement ended when I called off the January wedding.  And I think I really fucked up and I'm totally trapped by it - just spirally down this bottomless pit of bad decisions and bad timing and bad luck that's become self-perpetuating.

I missed my appointment for my second dress fitting to test the bustle and pick up my veil.  And I haven't rescheduled officially (tentatively November 16th) because I don't know if there's a reason to pick up the dress.  I don't want to put it on again and pretend that I'm planning a wedding when I know that I'm not.  The dress has become my own personal symbol for everything that I can't have and can't give to H.  I can't imagine our wedding anymore.  The idea doesn't make me happy, just like a failure.  I've been a pretty shitty girlfriend this year and an even shittier fiancee.

We don't need to plan a wedding.  We need a therapist.

Or at least I do.