So last week was a freak-out week. Which I'm not proud of. But there it is. For those of you who are still reading after all that mess, thanks. I appreciate the notes and input.
I spent so many weeks trying not to freak out and to stay calm and keep it together that I think it really built up. And yeah, there are issues. And I think that H and I should see somebody but that's not really an option when I don't know how I'm going to come up with the money to pay the water bill and there are already old doctor bills and parking tickets and credit card bills piled up. I just keep reminding myself that if I can get a full time job, a lot of these problems will be solved quickly.
In wedding news, my mother called me Sunday morning with a venue she wants me to check out. It sounds great but I really don't see the point in looking right now. It feels like just picking at an infected wound to even think about planning right now. Even if it is a reasonably priced venue, even reasonable is out of my budget (which is currently $0) and I don't know why my mother would even bring it up when she has so many qualms about paying. I don't want to look at something that I know I can't have.
So I haven't called.
I'm supposed to back to FL to get my dress. But I don't have the money for gas to get there let alone the $125 or so that I need to pay for veil and alterations.
All the money issues in mind plus, there is just nothing else to say about this whole wedding thing right now. There's no moving forward right now. Not even in superficial ways.
I guess I just always thought my life would be better by this age. I'd be getting less broke, more focused, successful, etc. This sudden backward mudslide is really fucking with me.