Today is the day that we would have gotten married if I hadn't called it off. I was much sadder and frustrated about this in the week leading up to today than I am now. I had several people ask me when we were getting married, give me wedding advice, ask to see my ring, etc over the last week and I flipped out a little the other night and cried to H about it. Yesterday a fellow derby girl of mine got married and I was sad to think that we would've been having our rehearsal dinner.
But today we got up and H made biscuits and eggs and grits for breakfast. I swept and mopped the floors. H oiled the porch swing and cleaned the porch banisters. We scrubbed down the whole kitchen and made it all shiney clean. Gave the dog a bath (did I mention that we adopted a dog?) and taught the dog to watch and sit. I did laundry. We took the pup for a good long walk around the neighborhood. I did my roller derby cross training exercises. We might go out for some Vietnamese food in a bit, maybe watch a movie. Still need to get groceries. Generally I feel pretty accomplished.
We've devoted more time to just getting our shit together and being more responsible adults. So that maybe one of these days we'll have the dough to get hitched and throw a party. But I'm happy to say that I didn't really think about the wedding that wasn't today. Except that I'm kind of glad that we didn't push forward. I don't think I would have been able to enjoy it or appreciate it. I don't think I would have been in a good place.
Next weekend I go to P-cola to pick up my dress and veil. Not sure how to feel about that. Will think about that later.
Sunday, January 16, 2011
Saturday, January 1, 2011
happy fucking new year!
happy new year, interwebs!
H and I have resolved that we will definitely get married in 2011, one way or another. it will happen. we pinky swore.
H and I have resolved that we will definitely get married in 2011, one way or another. it will happen. we pinky swore.
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
wedding on pause
So last week was a freak-out week. Which I'm not proud of. But there it is. For those of you who are still reading after all that mess, thanks. I appreciate the notes and input.
I spent so many weeks trying not to freak out and to stay calm and keep it together that I think it really built up. And yeah, there are issues. And I think that H and I should see somebody but that's not really an option when I don't know how I'm going to come up with the money to pay the water bill and there are already old doctor bills and parking tickets and credit card bills piled up. I just keep reminding myself that if I can get a full time job, a lot of these problems will be solved quickly.
In wedding news, my mother called me Sunday morning with a venue she wants me to check out. It sounds great but I really don't see the point in looking right now. It feels like just picking at an infected wound to even think about planning right now. Even if it is a reasonably priced venue, even reasonable is out of my budget (which is currently $0) and I don't know why my mother would even bring it up when she has so many qualms about paying. I don't want to look at something that I know I can't have.
So I haven't called.
I'm supposed to back to FL to get my dress. But I don't have the money for gas to get there let alone the $125 or so that I need to pay for veil and alterations.
All the money issues in mind plus, there is just nothing else to say about this whole wedding thing right now. There's no moving forward right now. Not even in superficial ways.
I guess I just always thought my life would be better by this age. I'd be getting less broke, more focused, successful, etc. This sudden backward mudslide is really fucking with me.
I spent so many weeks trying not to freak out and to stay calm and keep it together that I think it really built up. And yeah, there are issues. And I think that H and I should see somebody but that's not really an option when I don't know how I'm going to come up with the money to pay the water bill and there are already old doctor bills and parking tickets and credit card bills piled up. I just keep reminding myself that if I can get a full time job, a lot of these problems will be solved quickly.
In wedding news, my mother called me Sunday morning with a venue she wants me to check out. It sounds great but I really don't see the point in looking right now. It feels like just picking at an infected wound to even think about planning right now. Even if it is a reasonably priced venue, even reasonable is out of my budget (which is currently $0) and I don't know why my mother would even bring it up when she has so many qualms about paying. I don't want to look at something that I know I can't have.
So I haven't called.
I'm supposed to back to FL to get my dress. But I don't have the money for gas to get there let alone the $125 or so that I need to pay for veil and alterations.
All the money issues in mind plus, there is just nothing else to say about this whole wedding thing right now. There's no moving forward right now. Not even in superficial ways.
I guess I just always thought my life would be better by this age. I'd be getting less broke, more focused, successful, etc. This sudden backward mudslide is really fucking with me.
Monday, October 18, 2010
anybody know a therapist?
I can't even make a turkey sandwich without losing my shit today. Sobbing like a frickin' lunatic over a jar of mayo.
I'm officially unfollowing all the wedding porn sites. No more dresses, flowers, inspiration, blah blah blah. Nothing with tons of pictures of cool weddings that I'm not going to have. I'm not even trying to plan a wedding so why pretend that reading those blogs is doing anything other than making me angry and depressed at a time when I've got a lot of important things to be angry and depressed about.
What's worse is that I think I'm actually beginning to agree with my mother. That we're not really engaged. No ring, not real. I'd be crazy to plan a wedding. We're a damn mess anyways, constantly fighting and snarking and flipping out because I don't have a job and I keep getting rejected and holy shit how are am I supposed to pay all these bills and why am I still home everyday with nothing to show for it? I can't believe that I'm being that girl. I can't believe that I let this turn so bad.
H and I were joking the other day that our engagement doesn't really count. That we should have a do-over. Except that I don't think either of us was really joking. I think our engagement ended when I called off the January wedding. And I think I really fucked up and I'm totally trapped by it - just spirally down this bottomless pit of bad decisions and bad timing and bad luck that's become self-perpetuating.
I missed my appointment for my second dress fitting to test the bustle and pick up my veil. And I haven't rescheduled officially (tentatively November 16th) because I don't know if there's a reason to pick up the dress. I don't want to put it on again and pretend that I'm planning a wedding when I know that I'm not. The dress has become my own personal symbol for everything that I can't have and can't give to H. I can't imagine our wedding anymore. The idea doesn't make me happy, just like a failure. I've been a pretty shitty girlfriend this year and an even shittier fiancee.
We don't need to plan a wedding. We need a therapist.
Or at least I do.
I'm officially unfollowing all the wedding porn sites. No more dresses, flowers, inspiration, blah blah blah. Nothing with tons of pictures of cool weddings that I'm not going to have. I'm not even trying to plan a wedding so why pretend that reading those blogs is doing anything other than making me angry and depressed at a time when I've got a lot of important things to be angry and depressed about.
What's worse is that I think I'm actually beginning to agree with my mother. That we're not really engaged. No ring, not real. I'd be crazy to plan a wedding. We're a damn mess anyways, constantly fighting and snarking and flipping out because I don't have a job and I keep getting rejected and holy shit how are am I supposed to pay all these bills and why am I still home everyday with nothing to show for it? I can't believe that I'm being that girl. I can't believe that I let this turn so bad.
H and I were joking the other day that our engagement doesn't really count. That we should have a do-over. Except that I don't think either of us was really joking. I think our engagement ended when I called off the January wedding. And I think I really fucked up and I'm totally trapped by it - just spirally down this bottomless pit of bad decisions and bad timing and bad luck that's become self-perpetuating.
I missed my appointment for my second dress fitting to test the bustle and pick up my veil. And I haven't rescheduled officially (tentatively November 16th) because I don't know if there's a reason to pick up the dress. I don't want to put it on again and pretend that I'm planning a wedding when I know that I'm not. The dress has become my own personal symbol for everything that I can't have and can't give to H. I can't imagine our wedding anymore. The idea doesn't make me happy, just like a failure. I've been a pretty shitty girlfriend this year and an even shittier fiancee.
We don't need to plan a wedding. We need a therapist.
Or at least I do.
Thursday, September 30, 2010
unemployment blows, so does wedding drama
You'd think that with a month of unemployment I'd have found plenty of time to write and ruminate over wedding stuff. Sure, there's been ruminating but obviously no writing. It's like my brain completely shuts down when I don't have a job. I forget how to function. Whole days go by with very little to show for them. I get snippy, bored, lazy, and totally lame.
I keep thinking that, hey, it's not like I'm actually getting married any time in the foreseeable future so who needs a frickin' engagement/wedding blog anyway? But then I think that I need to hold onto this so that I stay focused on that eventual future. So that I don't fall into a deep, dark cynical whole (which might happen anyway but one must try). So that I can hash out all this ugly mess that keeps churning away anytime anyone asks me if we've set a date or when I hear that people who've gotten engaged after me will most definitely be getting married before me or when I think about where the money is going to come from to have a wedding that lives up to H's expectations and mine, too, I suppose.
Despite a whole lot of no progress, there has been a fair amount of talking about maybe making progress. Someday. It's been really, really, really stupidly difficult to get on the same page about what WE want because we (being H and I as separate people) have different expectations and wants and WE (being the two of us as a unit) haven't really gotten much further than, "We're still getting married, right? Right. Good."
So what happens when someone asks us when we're getting married? H says Spring 2011 - I say Fall 2011. It's not that I don't want to get married sooner rather than later, because I really wish that I could still say that we're getting married in January and be looking forward to that and looking forward to moving life along. But we're stuck and it's all waiting on me to find a stable, decent-paying job. Because until then I am in survival mode just trying to pay the bills, trying to catch a damn break.
With unemployment in mind, there has been an ongoing "who's paying for the wedding" discussion/argument since nearly the beginning. Lots of resentment - but what's new? But after lots of tension and difficult talks, it seems clear that the only way we can do this thing is it to do it ourselves. I really don't feel comfortable asking for money from either set of parents for various reasons, especially as its become more clear that my parents are happy to pick and choose which wedding traditions are essential based on who-knows-what. I knew I had to give up on them paying for anything when my mother reminded me that my family is totally freaked out that I don't have an engagement ring ("It's a sacrifice he should make for you!") but doesn't want to help pay for the wedding ("Why doesn't his family pay for their guests?"). Serious wedding double standards and I don't want anything to do with that crap. And his parents? We've already been through the money-with-strings-attached drama once this year. I'll pay for my own damn wedding, thanks.
Somehow.
Someone else might ask why we don't just get married. Clearly, money is an issue but you love each other and want to get hitched so get a $35 marriage license and walk the two blocks to the courthouse and get married already! Which is all well and good for some folks but for us, that is a total fucking let down. And I'm beginning to think that making a wedding happen whether it is next month or next year or even a couple of years from now - making that wedding happen is what we need to do to be ready to be married.
'Cause right now I'm a hot mess and for all the living together we've done, we haven't done a whole lot of actual working/functioning together in a particularly meaningful way. And we're learning that we butt heads when we do and that's got to get straightened out before all this "I Do" stuff happens.
So it still sucks and makes me hate and want to cry when I see other people getting married and I still can't believe that I'll ever be there even though I want to be there so bad. But there's so much shit to dig through before we get there, so don't rush me. In the immortal words of Journey - don't stop believin'.
I keep thinking that, hey, it's not like I'm actually getting married any time in the foreseeable future so who needs a frickin' engagement/wedding blog anyway? But then I think that I need to hold onto this so that I stay focused on that eventual future. So that I don't fall into a deep, dark cynical whole (which might happen anyway but one must try). So that I can hash out all this ugly mess that keeps churning away anytime anyone asks me if we've set a date or when I hear that people who've gotten engaged after me will most definitely be getting married before me or when I think about where the money is going to come from to have a wedding that lives up to H's expectations and mine, too, I suppose.
Despite a whole lot of no progress, there has been a fair amount of talking about maybe making progress. Someday. It's been really, really, really stupidly difficult to get on the same page about what WE want because we (being H and I as separate people) have different expectations and wants and WE (being the two of us as a unit) haven't really gotten much further than, "We're still getting married, right? Right. Good."
So what happens when someone asks us when we're getting married? H says Spring 2011 - I say Fall 2011. It's not that I don't want to get married sooner rather than later, because I really wish that I could still say that we're getting married in January and be looking forward to that and looking forward to moving life along. But we're stuck and it's all waiting on me to find a stable, decent-paying job. Because until then I am in survival mode just trying to pay the bills, trying to catch a damn break.
With unemployment in mind, there has been an ongoing "who's paying for the wedding" discussion/argument since nearly the beginning. Lots of resentment - but what's new? But after lots of tension and difficult talks, it seems clear that the only way we can do this thing is it to do it ourselves. I really don't feel comfortable asking for money from either set of parents for various reasons, especially as its become more clear that my parents are happy to pick and choose which wedding traditions are essential based on who-knows-what. I knew I had to give up on them paying for anything when my mother reminded me that my family is totally freaked out that I don't have an engagement ring ("It's a sacrifice he should make for you!") but doesn't want to help pay for the wedding ("Why doesn't his family pay for their guests?"). Serious wedding double standards and I don't want anything to do with that crap. And his parents? We've already been through the money-with-strings-attached drama once this year. I'll pay for my own damn wedding, thanks.
Somehow.
Someone else might ask why we don't just get married. Clearly, money is an issue but you love each other and want to get hitched so get a $35 marriage license and walk the two blocks to the courthouse and get married already! Which is all well and good for some folks but for us, that is a total fucking let down. And I'm beginning to think that making a wedding happen whether it is next month or next year or even a couple of years from now - making that wedding happen is what we need to do to be ready to be married.
'Cause right now I'm a hot mess and for all the living together we've done, we haven't done a whole lot of actual working/functioning together in a particularly meaningful way. And we're learning that we butt heads when we do and that's got to get straightened out before all this "I Do" stuff happens.
So it still sucks and makes me hate and want to cry when I see other people getting married and I still can't believe that I'll ever be there even though I want to be there so bad. But there's so much shit to dig through before we get there, so don't rush me. In the immortal words of Journey - don't stop believin'.
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