Hot damn. I feel like I keep getting kicked in the pants by life. Wedding aside, it's been really difficult to get my finances stable lately and try to find some balance. With the added pressure of "when/where are you getting married?" it's been hard to get priorities straight and not lose my mind. Just when I feel like I'm stable, some new issue comes along and everything falls apart again. After this past week, I'm in serious doubt as to whether I'll be in financial shape to even begin wedding planning any time this year.
When we first got engaged, H and I didn't see the point of being engaged forever - 9 months to a year should just about do it. Then winter 2011 got moved to spring 2011 and now spring seems unattainable but fall seems so far away. Maybe we just don't have a wedding. I've brought this up - we just want to be married. The rest is just extra. Which sounds fine when you're frustrated and tired and just want to tell everybody to fuck off.
But then, I feel cheated by life. It's not that I don't want a wedding, it's that I feel like we're not in any shape to make one happen. I know that I'm not in any shape to make a wedding happen. And I don't want to "just get married" out of desperate frustration rush ahead into marriage without being ready. Sometimes I wonder what the hell we're waiting for - who am I trying to keep happy here? But what it really comes down to is this: I'm so not ready to be married.
Not in the way that I don't want to marry H ('cause I do) but in the way that I just feel completely unprepared to deal. We're still hashing out all sorts of issues and I feel so unstable just being myself lately that I don't feel like I've been a very good partner. Part of me really, really hates not being able to make all my decisions independently, not being able to do things the way I want them done all the time. I'm a pretty stubborn type - I don't like change - and there has been so much change and upheaval in the last 6 months that I just want to be left alone most of the time. I have to remind myself not to take all this out on H, to support him sometimes too even when I just want to be selfish and do my own thing. As stupid as it sounds when you're brand new engaged (being engaged means you're ready now, right?), we need some time to prepare for being married.
So as much as I would like to say that we can start wedding planning again or that we can just elope and move on with our lives - I know I'm not ready for either of those routes yet. I have to get my proverbial ducks in a row. Otherwise, my next meltdown will be epic.